We humans are a terribly self-conscious bunch, bound by the shackles of social etiquette and governed by our need to fit in. As a child of rural Ireland, I was taught the following by teachers, clergy, childminders and my parents;
Picking your nose can cause brain damage.
Sweaty people are dirty and unhealthy.
Masturbation can make people cross-eyed.
Forgetting to put on knickers would certainly lead to a chill in your kidneys. (This was also true of sitting on a stone wall or step).
If you get too close to a swan, it will break your neck with its wing.
I gradually worked out that many of these theories are unfounded and have recently embarked on some research of my own. On nights where sleep evades me, I can be found lying awake, scanning scholarly articles and published studies on the actual benefits and risks of what are proposed to be ‘bad habits’. Also I work in the field of personal development and the pursuit of happiness and therefore have a natural curiosity about this kind of stuff. During my casual study, I was pleased to discover 5 good reasons to be rude.
1. MASTURBATION MAKES YOU MERRY!
Recent studies have produced evidence to support the hypothesis that ejaculating approximately 5 times a week improves prostate health. Also,it encourages new, healthy sperm production and is said to better sperm motility. Therefore, if a fellow wants to father some pure bred, A-list swimmers, it is recommended that they go about pleasing themselves regularly. Orgasm is also thought to reduce symptoms of hay fever which is great news for anyone plagued by this evil condition! Ladies who, like I, have had their vajayjays massacred by childbirth will know how boring and unappealing traditional pelvic floor exercise is. More good tidings- frequent orgasms are said to be very beneficial in strengthening one’s pelvic floor. Sex is often linked to UTIs and cystitis but many online articles state that masturbation helps to rid the cervix of unwanted bacteria via mucous secretion. (I know… ughhhhh). As high levels of oxytocin and dopamine are released at climax, masturbation may also be a healthy alternative to a drug high. Therefore mass masturbation is the ticket to a happy society!
2. SNOT IS A NATURAL ANTI-BIOTIC
I found this study really funny. Canadian researcher, Professor Scott Napper carried out a study to prove that picking your nose and eating it allows the body to digest germs in small and harmless amounts which in turn builds up our immunity to some of the bacteria present in our snot. Apparently, taking in bacteria this slowly is not going to harm us but will strengthen our defences. I do suspect that Professor Napper enjoys eating his snot more than the average Joe given that his penchant for bogeys led him to do a whole study on it.
3. LET IT ALL HANG OUT
We have been programmed to go straight to the underwear drawer every morning as the initial step in the clothing process. However, research suggests that liberating one’s testicles from tighty whiteys or indeed any incarcerating undergarments keeps them at the ideal temperature for sperm production. From a female perspective, it has been proposed that because a lady’s nether region boasts a warm and humid climate and in some cases (depending on grooming rituals) there is some foliage present, underwear can be suffocating and is linked to yeast infections. On a positive note, airing one’s undercarriage means no VPL and no risk of a wedgy. Win win!
4. SWEAT SPOTS AWAY!
If green tea and lemon juice are not your thing, breaking a sweat is a great alternative for getting rid of nasties in your system. Sweating can flush out alcohol, salt and cholesterol. By reducing levels of salt in the body through sweating, you reduce your risk of kidney stones and fight viruses and fungi. Also, sweating clears toxins out of the pores, keeping unwanted zits at bay.
5. SMELL YOUR FARTS!!!
I LOVE this! A study in the University of Exeter proposes that exposure to small amounts of hydrogen sulphide (i.e. the amount present in a smelly fart) may prevent mitochondria damage. Scientists supporting this research have suggested that this could help defend us against cancer, stroke, dementia and arthritis. Anyone with a dog should be feeling pretty elated right now.
These are the interesting, useless facts I have encountered so far during my insomnia fueled searches. So for optimum health, my advice is; a good snotty breakfast, sweaty workout, no knickers, lots of farting and if time and schedule allows a refreshing, cervix cleansing and sperm renewing ‘lamb shank’
Improve your health through masturbation, nose picking, sweating, going commando and farting! Ditch the fancy detox for a more fun approach to well being!!